Ladies and Genlemen, The President of the United States.
As your President I have had to deal with so many problems handed down to me by my predecessors. I've made decisions which many of you do not support. That's because you don't understand my vision for America.
Since I took office I have undergone a change, a crisis of conscience if you will. I have seen the problems we have unleashed upon the world and wish to apologize to all the countries of the globe. I tried in the beginning to simply apologize to those leaders but I wasn't taken seriously by them. So, now, I have come up with the only solution that will prove how serious I am.
I have placed upon each and everyone of you the burden to prove how sincere I am.
As of tomorrow I ask each citizen to pack his or her belongings and prepare to be moved to other parts of the world. It is only right that we should give up our land to all those who have suffered through the mistakes made by those in office before me.
Each of you will receive a ticket to the land we deem you should live. I have had my hand picked staff check into the ancestry of every citizen. Those with known ties to certain countries will be moved there provided they will be accepted. Those with no known ancestry ties will be sent where ever they might be accepted.
There wil be no further protection from the United States government because we, too, as citizens will receive our tickets as well.
I know this will inconvenience everyone, but it is only right to offer up our land and our country to those who will provide a more honest and civilized occupation.
By righting the wrongs of past administrations we give up our homes in return for hope of peace in the world.
I am certain the new occupants of our homes will insure world peace by our generation's sacrifice.
You will have a week to comply. I am certain you will find your new countries to be more upstanding and honest with you now that America will no longer exist. The world at large will breathe a sigh of relief. You will all be welcomed with open arms because of your sacrifice.
We have brought too much harm to the world as Americans. Now is the time to take up the placards of foreign countries demanding a more benevolent country establish itself as the beacon of hope we once were.
Those living in this country illegally can begin to claim the vacated neighborhoods and factories. May you all bring life to this great land that will prove the present owners sacrifices were not in vain. You will have the chance to pave the way for new hope and change. May peace now reign on our planet.
What the... What a dream. I woke up in a cold sweat. Geez, I am so glad this was only a dream. A really stupid dream.