Chemicals? I don't need chemicals. Not a tall. Why this
morning I got up early--woke up earlier, so what if I lay in bed for an extra
hour thinking how much more comfortable it was lying there listening to birds
announcing to the world their new worm find. Yeah, I was up early. That shower
helped some. Popped my eyes wide open when I hit the cold water. After the
blood curdling scream I mixed in some hot water to bring it to a comfortable
temp. Then I thought to myself, self you're awake now let's find that rocker
and take a nap.
After an hour spent drooling onto the rocker's doily I decided that maybe some coffee might help. The aroma in the air as it brewed was lovely and I washed last week's coffee from my cup and poured some. It was good. Even better when I added the 86 proof spirits from the bottle on the shelf hidden behind the sugar and oats. Oh, what the heck, another short pour into the cup won't hurt.
Gosh, the pot's half empty now so I'll pour another cup...maybe half, that way I can add more of the amber liquid with bite. A good bracing draft of spiritus fermenti will be good for the digestion. Speaking of digestion, a bit to eat wouldn't hurt any. Let's see, what we got? Hmmmmm.....scrape the green of the edge of the bread here. Guess placing it in the toaster will remove some of the moisture. In the door here...oops, the light went out...have to fix that...ah, yes, eggs. Two? No three should be sufficient.
Turn the flame on....Whoa! Too much. Didn't need those eyebrows anyway. Age seems to make them take on a bramble bush pattern under and over into the forehead. No need to worry they need cutting for a while. Of course I'll have to get over the smell of burned flesh, too. My nose was a tad too prominent in the grating to see if the pilot light was on while turning the nob. It was on. That flame flared up singeing hair nostrils, nose and eyebrows. Those trained nose hairs thickened my mustache which is just brown nobs now. Have to shave that off as soon as the 3rd degrees heal.
OK. Pan on the flame. Need grease for the eggs. There it is. How much? No instructions. How long's this been in this cup in the cupboard? What are those little black pellets? Must be bacon bits. There you go...spoonful ought to do it. Yipes! Into the flame....Man! Roaring crackling flame! Extinguisher! There. Pull pin. Aim. Sweep. What a blast! CO2 everywhere! My dog just ran away from me. Her muzzle white and ears back, tail between her legs. Is that her whimpering over there? What's her problem? Flame's out.
Hmmm. Coffee cup empty. Add this then pour coffee. Yeah, that should do it. Dark. All righty now. Eggs. Crack 'em into pan. Nice easy clean crack. Holy Cow! H2S stench. Outta the way dog! Comin' through. Whoaaaa! Tripped on the threshold, ended up in the hedge face down in rotten eggs. When did I buy those? Was Derek still in high school then? Let's see he's been married now 3 and a half years. He moved out in '92. I thought if you kept 'em in the fridge they wouldn't go bad. Might want to brush up on my science there. Crikey, I forgot the toast! I'll just leave the pan here.
Oh jees, the smoke alarm went off. Funny I hear sirens in the distance. I'll open the back door and the front, get a draft going here. Clear it up in no time. Sirens getting louder. Where's my dog? Coffee pot's getting' low. Toss the toast. No on second thought I need some charcoal sticks. That drawing I started a coupla years ago need some touching up. Well, out of coffee, don't think I'll make anymore. I'll just pour what's left of this bottle into my cup and drop some instant flavour buds into it. There we go, stir a bit and voila. Coffee. Cold but it does have that bite I like. Who are these guys in black rubber coats and helmets? "Whatcha gonna do wit' de axes boys?"
"Can you arrest this guy?"
""Fraid not, buddy. You'd hafta call the pleece for that. We just answered the alarm and followed the smoke. How long's this blaze been going?"
"Since early this morning!" Why, it was my neighbor talking.
"Watsa matta, Frank? Don't got no bizniss o' yerown to tend to?" I'm witty like that early in the morning.
"Sir, how long have you been drinking?" asked the fireman.
"Drinking? I've not been drinkin' nuttin but coffee since my nap."
"I can smell it on your breath sir. Do you realize you've endangered your neighbors. Do you realize your house has burned to the ground?"
"Wazzat? No, ossifer. My house is right....OK, who moved it? Frank, you move my house?"
"I saw him come flying out of the house about an hour ago. He hit the ground head first. Maybe that pan he held straight in front of him knocked him out. Lookit that goose egg."
"Wazzit goose eggs? Maybe that's why it smelled so bad."
"What's he babbling about?" said the largest one with the axe.
"What's goin' on here, Joe?"
"Hey, Buck. This guy burned down his house while he slept in the bushes here. This pan was his pillow."
"Phewww! What's that smell?"
"You mean that hydrogen sulfide smell? It's the egg stuck to the side of his face."
"OK, buddy. I'm gonna haul you down to the station for your own good and the safety of the neighborhood. Come along quietly."
"You got a pot o' coffee?"
"I'm sure."
"Wait I need to get my special ingredient. Just can't wake up wiffout it."
"We got all the cream and sugar you need, pal"
"No, wait, I need....."
After an hour spent drooling onto the rocker's doily I decided that maybe some coffee might help. The aroma in the air as it brewed was lovely and I washed last week's coffee from my cup and poured some. It was good. Even better when I added the 86 proof spirits from the bottle on the shelf hidden behind the sugar and oats. Oh, what the heck, another short pour into the cup won't hurt.
Gosh, the pot's half empty now so I'll pour another cup...maybe half, that way I can add more of the amber liquid with bite. A good bracing draft of spiritus fermenti will be good for the digestion. Speaking of digestion, a bit to eat wouldn't hurt any. Let's see, what we got? Hmmmmm.....scrape the green of the edge of the bread here. Guess placing it in the toaster will remove some of the moisture. In the door here...oops, the light went out...have to fix that...ah, yes, eggs. Two? No three should be sufficient.
Turn the flame on....Whoa! Too much. Didn't need those eyebrows anyway. Age seems to make them take on a bramble bush pattern under and over into the forehead. No need to worry they need cutting for a while. Of course I'll have to get over the smell of burned flesh, too. My nose was a tad too prominent in the grating to see if the pilot light was on while turning the nob. It was on. That flame flared up singeing hair nostrils, nose and eyebrows. Those trained nose hairs thickened my mustache which is just brown nobs now. Have to shave that off as soon as the 3rd degrees heal.
OK. Pan on the flame. Need grease for the eggs. There it is. How much? No instructions. How long's this been in this cup in the cupboard? What are those little black pellets? Must be bacon bits. There you go...spoonful ought to do it. Yipes! Into the flame....Man! Roaring crackling flame! Extinguisher! There. Pull pin. Aim. Sweep. What a blast! CO2 everywhere! My dog just ran away from me. Her muzzle white and ears back, tail between her legs. Is that her whimpering over there? What's her problem? Flame's out.
Hmmm. Coffee cup empty. Add this then pour coffee. Yeah, that should do it. Dark. All righty now. Eggs. Crack 'em into pan. Nice easy clean crack. Holy Cow! H2S stench. Outta the way dog! Comin' through. Whoaaaa! Tripped on the threshold, ended up in the hedge face down in rotten eggs. When did I buy those? Was Derek still in high school then? Let's see he's been married now 3 and a half years. He moved out in '92. I thought if you kept 'em in the fridge they wouldn't go bad. Might want to brush up on my science there. Crikey, I forgot the toast! I'll just leave the pan here.
Oh jees, the smoke alarm went off. Funny I hear sirens in the distance. I'll open the back door and the front, get a draft going here. Clear it up in no time. Sirens getting louder. Where's my dog? Coffee pot's getting' low. Toss the toast. No on second thought I need some charcoal sticks. That drawing I started a coupla years ago need some touching up. Well, out of coffee, don't think I'll make anymore. I'll just pour what's left of this bottle into my cup and drop some instant flavour buds into it. There we go, stir a bit and voila. Coffee. Cold but it does have that bite I like. Who are these guys in black rubber coats and helmets? "Whatcha gonna do wit' de axes boys?"
"Can you arrest this guy?"
""Fraid not, buddy. You'd hafta call the pleece for that. We just answered the alarm and followed the smoke. How long's this blaze been going?"
"Since early this morning!" Why, it was my neighbor talking.
"Watsa matta, Frank? Don't got no bizniss o' yerown to tend to?" I'm witty like that early in the morning.
"Sir, how long have you been drinking?" asked the fireman.
"Drinking? I've not been drinkin' nuttin but coffee since my nap."
"I can smell it on your breath sir. Do you realize you've endangered your neighbors. Do you realize your house has burned to the ground?"
"Wazzat? No, ossifer. My house is right....OK, who moved it? Frank, you move my house?"
"I saw him come flying out of the house about an hour ago. He hit the ground head first. Maybe that pan he held straight in front of him knocked him out. Lookit that goose egg."
"Wazzit goose eggs? Maybe that's why it smelled so bad."
"What's he babbling about?" said the largest one with the axe.
"What's goin' on here, Joe?"
"Hey, Buck. This guy burned down his house while he slept in the bushes here. This pan was his pillow."
"Phewww! What's that smell?"
"You mean that hydrogen sulfide smell? It's the egg stuck to the side of his face."
"OK, buddy. I'm gonna haul you down to the station for your own good and the safety of the neighborhood. Come along quietly."
"You got a pot o' coffee?"
"I'm sure."
"Wait I need to get my special ingredient. Just can't wake up wiffout it."
"We got all the cream and sugar you need, pal"
"No, wait, I need....."
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