Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Over easy or scrambled?
"Happy New Year!" "Oh please. Not so loud." I was struggling to hold my cannon ball head up in both hands. Sitting in front of me was a glass of water effervescing my Alka-Seltzer into my hangover potion. "What's up? You party too much last night?" A chuckle followed. I shaded my eyes from the light trying to focus on a look of anger which went south into a grimace of pain as the back door slammed. "Dog needed in." Again a chuckle. "I know you think this head of mine is funny." Wincing at the refrigerator door's slam I went on. "Could you please not make so much noise?" "I'm trying to be as quiet as possible," came the answer accompanied by the cracking of eggs and sizzle of the pan as the contents of said eggs hit the grease. I clamped my hands over my ears and closed my eyes as a groan escaped my dry lips. "How about a cup of coffee?" "Thanks. It might help. Do we have any V-8? "Check the fridge. I think there might be some at the back of the top shelf." She was tilting the frying pan and whipping bubbling grease over the whiteing eggs. The crackle and sizzle accompanying the clack clack of spatula against fry pan. Again I winced as I stood to check on the V-8. Click, sounded the door. Clatter went the condiments in the door. Scrape went the milk bottles along the grating as I pushed them aside to find the juice. I reached in and pulled it forward sending the milk bottle from the back of my hand to the floor with a crash and splash that reverberated in my head. The pain generated was excruciating. My free hand gripped my head as I tried to squeeze that pain away. "You're going to have to clean up that mess right now." I heard the command through waves of blistering pain. "Any idea where the aspirin are?" I stumbled to the counter and ripped a handful of paper towels from the roll. The tearing of the paper bounced around in the swimming pain I used to call my head. "Watch out you don't cut yourself on the glass." She slipped the spatual under the eggs to remove them. The sliding metal against metal became fingernails on blackboard magnified a thousand times. I froze in my kneeling position to calm my frayed nerves. "Oh man. How much did I drink last night?" "I stopped counting but you drank the last of Clyde's booze." "I did what?" "Yeah, you mixed the last of his bottle in that dribble of grapefruit juice." "Is he mad?" "No. He looked at you like he was proud. Even said, 'That's my nef.'" That put a smile on my face. "So why am I up so early? How come I'm not sleeping it off?" "Sleep? You wanted to head out to party." "Huh?" "Yeah, we had to hide your keys." "Uh, thanks, I guess." "Oh, you're welcome. It was the least we could do since you totalled your car." "What?" "Yeah, it was a miracle that you don't have a scratch on you. Of course you did leave the scene of the accident." "Where was that?" "Neighbor's house. You can see it if you look out the window there. Just don't let the neighbor see you. He was NOT happy to say the least." I meandered to the door nursing my Alka-Seltzer. Furtively I glanced through the window. "I don't see it." "You idiot. you think we would let you drive? You could barely walk." "Why would you tell me such a thing?" "Only because you deserve it." "Why? Did I do something to tick you off?" "If you want to call pinching every girl's ass something. Yes!" "Oh." "You had a real problem keeping your hands to yourself." "Any repercussions?" "There is that shiner." I felt my way along the wall to the medicine cabinet in the loo. Staring back from the mirror was a face with eyes black and purple. It explained why my vision was a little cloudy as well. "I guess the girls weren't too happy about the pinched bottoms?" I said as I settled back into my chair. "No. They didn't mind at all. Matter a fact they were smiling and giggling at your little gropings." "The the husbands?" "Nope. This frying pan." She said Happy New Year. I watched her swing the pan. I heard the clunk and all went black.